I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
