even my farts smell like vagina
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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