It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
