no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
