Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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