I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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