My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
