Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
