on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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