somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
