I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Randomize
