so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She even gives head with a lisp.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
