I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
