The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize