Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
