i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
