Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
