Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
