I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I want to be your penis for a week.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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