Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
