The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
BRING THE BAGELS
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
