Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
