This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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