Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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