i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
my liver is dry heaving
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
