New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
