I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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