Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
