my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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