I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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