Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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