i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
