do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
