why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
