Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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