Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
