She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Do you remember whose house we're in?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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