i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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