I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
