i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
