I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
