Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
