My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
