Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
