I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
