hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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