cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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