You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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