Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
