we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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