i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize