Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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