cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
