ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
