i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
