Betty ford says i'm here all night
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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