i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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