gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize