you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
