this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
