There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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