Are we in a gay sports bar?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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